A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
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Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
no such thing as a dumb question
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.