A couple who are silly together stay together.
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The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
“I wouldn’t.”
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
What
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house