A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
You Might Also Like
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I have obtained a hat
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
December birthdays be like…
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I have a type: disappointing
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.