A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
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You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line