@That_Damn_Duck

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

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@MiddlingMs

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

@perlhack

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

@Heldinchains

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

@ilovepie84

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

@RandiLawson

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

@LeonEarlgrey

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

@GrantTanaka

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

@JackAsHell

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

@dreamthievin

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!