2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
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dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!