A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
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wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
We avoided this particular disaster
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”