@MiddlingMs 2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
@That_Damn_Duck A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
You Might Also Like
@MiddlingMs 
@perlhack dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
@bighandsmassuer I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
@Heldinchains You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
@ilovepie84 ” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
@RandiLawson Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
@LeonEarlgrey baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
@GrantTanaka Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
@JackAsHell If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
@dreamthievin Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!