A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
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Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.