A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
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Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.