“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
You Might Also Like
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt