A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

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“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man


Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date


I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes


Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.


I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.


Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.


A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?