A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
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[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Me irl
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.