A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
You Might Also Like
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Can. I. Help. You.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
any last words?
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that