@Book_Krazy

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

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@TheAlexP

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

@WilliamAder

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

@huntigula

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

@QwertyJones3

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

@MelvinofYork

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

@OBiiieeee

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

@mommajessiec

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

@KatieBurnett

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

@char_x0

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

@LuvPug

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.