A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
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I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?