I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
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I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?
“You do the math”
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.