A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
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If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Not today.. 😂
this is the news I live for
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s