A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
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A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device