A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
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I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Who called it baking and not making love
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Nomnomnomnom