A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
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Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
A roof is a house hat.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.