A customer told me they were never coming back….
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[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Every work call, he judges.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars