A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
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I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.