a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
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Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?