a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
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If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.