@electrolemon

a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”

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@NoFucksWereGave

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

@KimmyMonte

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

@ArfMeasures

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

@DurtMcHurtt

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

@Book_Krazy

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

@Heatinblack

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

@abbycohenwl

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

@DrunjAF

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

@castawaykristen

NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.

@weinerdog4life

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV