
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV