@NoFucksWereGave My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
@electrolemon a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
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@NoFucksWereGave 
@KimmyMonte [Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
@ArfMeasures [Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
@DurtMcHurtt COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
@Book_Krazy Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
@Heatinblack What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
@abbycohenwl You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
@DrunjAF Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
@castawaykristen NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
@weinerdog4life One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV