A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
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EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help