A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
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[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No