@kelkulus

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

@AllanForsyth

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

@Home_Halfway

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

@ristolable

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

@JackMackenroth

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

@batkaren

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

@PinkCamoTO

Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?

Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.

@KentWGraham

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

@JermHimselfish

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.