A dating app for angry people- Grumble
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*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
how to have an accident 101
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲