A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
You Might Also Like
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
had to share :’)