A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
You Might Also Like
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows