A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
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Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.