A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
You Might Also Like
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
lol
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
“what’s it like having a sister?”
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim