@Aspersioncast

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

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@RobDenBleyker

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

@ShaunRightNow

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

@RodLacroix

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

@LoveNLunchmeat

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

@Ndeshi_M

Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.

@WalkingOutside

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

@brianbowman73

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.