Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
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I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I’d … I’d rather not.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.