A dead goose is called a ghoost
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Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I’m listening
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”