H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
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Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
[hole opens in the ground]
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.