@awescar

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

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@Boleyngirly

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

@robdelaney

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

@OBiiieeee

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

@Demented_Jokes

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

@MarkBuckawicki

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

@hipstermermaid

“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”

@sixfootcandy

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

@garrydavenport

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

@meganamram

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

@Lola_Areola

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.