@awescar

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

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@BigJDubz

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

@noog

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

@MattMcC1

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

@bboven

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

@weinerdog4life

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

@a_simpl_man

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

@HeyoShellz

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

@OllyiConic

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

@aparnapkin

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.