A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.


Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.


Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.


I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.


A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through


“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”


My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.


The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.


Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination


Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.