@Reverend_Scott REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
@hipchkk A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die π
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@Reverend_Scott 
@bingowings14 My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
@ceejoyner I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
@SteveDutzy THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
@squirrel74wkgn [at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
@XplodingUnicorn When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly donβt feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
@trumpetcake I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
@Brampersandon_ [Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
@PhriendlyCody [stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
@bdbdleeroybrown Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.