A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die đ
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genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Have to write a note to my kidâs first grade teacher, and now Iâm stressed out about my handwriting
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
đľWhooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRđś
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Never ever tell yourself âmy idea isnât good enough.â The entire premise of Marmaduke is âwhat if a dog was bigâ and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
An F wouldnât be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
account balance: $1400
me at wendyâs: show me the square cows
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
âgot milk?â buddy I donât even have self esteem
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
@funTweeters
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I canât read.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. Theyâll find us eventually.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, youâd be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? âŁ
âŁ
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play DohâŁ
Greeting humans vs their dogs