@hipchkk

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die πŸ˜‰

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@Reverend_Scott

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

@bingowings14

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

@ceejoyner

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

@SteveDutzy

THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

@XplodingUnicorn

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

@trumpetcake

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

@Brampersandon_

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

@PhriendlyCody

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”