Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?

M: ask him to use his other hand

Therapist: Let me rephrase…

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

Bartenders are just boneless bars

do u think theres a butter planet?

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

a god among men