*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
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I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
How animals would run if they were human
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh