A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
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the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
For the baby who has everything