@Aspersioncast

A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.

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@TheTweetOfGod

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

@trevso_electric

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

@MoistPork

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

@Carbosly

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

@mom_tho

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

@mommajessiec

Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*

Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*

Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*

@KyleMakesStufUp

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

@evangeline_dawn

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

@NikiWithIssues

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.