A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
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Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Spider-cat: No One Home
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
You’re the water to my grease fire.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.