A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
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When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.