A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
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I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.