A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
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Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.