A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

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Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.


“Still upset about earlier?”
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”


[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.


I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.


Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.


[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!


“Not yet.”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
-Deer crossing the road


I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.


Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”


Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”