A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
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Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.