@TheAlexNevil

A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

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@DanteEvilCat

Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.

@jakob_huber

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

@lmwortho

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

@junejuly12

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

@DirtMcTurd

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

@MichaelJErhart

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

@charstarlene

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

@WendiAarons

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

@Parkerlawyer

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”