A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
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[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Goat cheese is for herders.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Easy enough.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.