A double negative is a big no-no.
You Might Also Like
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
This was a bad idea all around
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Computer: shutting down
Me: same