A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
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I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even