A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
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This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist