A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
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I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I just tested negative for patience.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
is there nothing we can trust anymore
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Genius idea!!
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)