A drum solo but on your face.
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Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.