a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
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One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name