A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
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me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.