A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
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My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again