A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
You Might Also Like
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor