A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
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RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”