A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
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Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.